Columbine

Have been going down another rabbit hole - of the Columbine High School shooting. It's been intriguing, since it happened around a time when I was also in school (1999), but I'm not sure if I followed the news on it then. Since this happened in the US maybe didn't impact us in India as much, I rather remember the incident where a student from The Army Public School (Dhaula Kuan) killed a junior in 98, I think. That impacted us since our school bus would pick up APS kids after picking us up and I felt terrified for some time. Also, I had studied in APS for a year and had cousins who went to the school. 

I'm sure I had heard of school shootings, and remember being shocked, and now reading up about it, it seems that this was sort of the turning point even though some shootings had happened in the past, but possibly not at this scale and not as shocking. So, when I started reading up about Columbine, I couldn't really remember how I felt when it happened. But it did bring on a sense of nostalgia, even though Indian schools were possibly drastically different from Americans, but some teenage themes are universal. School bullying, being part of cliques, downward spirals, relating to music and over-romanticizing things. Also, the era completely coincided with when we were growing up, and internet had just about come in. These kids were obviously a lot more privileged, but I did have friends who had computers at home and who would talk about "how the worst day on internet is better than the best day in school". 

It startled me that after going through all the videos, their journals etc I could feel some sympathy for the two shooters. It actually really made me very sad. All the senseless loss of life, along with their own. Some of the themes they seemed to talk about in their journals also reminded me of my frame of mind in those days, significantly a sense of alienation and isolation, feeling misunderstood, a low sense of self-esteem and feeling of worthlessness. It startled me at first, but as I read on, I realized I wasn't the only one, these are universal issues  that teenagers go through. It feels maddening that no one caught on to their state of mind and tried to guide them. Can't help but feel this was an incident that was totally avoidable. They did not on the surface of it seem to fit into the profile of a typical perpetrator. They were part of a group of friends, seemed to have loving families, seemed to not have any financial constraints, lived in a seemingly safe and crime free suburb with all facilities at their disposal. They also seemed to have a lot of potential and were part of an advanced learning class (or high potential class). But obviously both suffered from some major mental health issues, which seemed to have made them blind to the consequences of their actions. 

However, the rage that they had stored up as a response to their feelings just seemed disproportionate and makes one wonder if there is more to the story than people know (there are many conspiracy theories on what happened to them during an earlier run in with the law and on drugs one of them was on for mental health treatment, none can be confirmed so no point going there). Also based on accounts of other students, the school did seem to have an unhealthy environment, bullying was rampant, which included teachers ignoring incidents and favoring some students. Their parents also seemed to be blissfully unaware of issues their kids were facing, even though there were so many red flags. From what I've read the parents were devastated and completely caught unawares. I can imagine it must have been terrible for them, but its mind boggling how they couldn't know. The homicidal thoughts were extremely alarming, but the suicidal thoughts were sad, for them to think that they were worth nothing. What I also noticed was that other students in the school including some of the victims didn't seem to be shocked as if this was a ticking time bomb. That these kids spoke about blowing up and shooting in the school and almost no one took it seriously, except one teacher who highlighted it to the parents. 

Also, one wonders if they didn't have access to guns and weapons, would they just have outgrown this phase? School mass shootings seem to be very unique to America. Gun laws! 

What they did was so reprehensible that it's hard to see them as humans, but a lot of the available research out there, does make one feel some bit of pity for these kids as well. They were lost, had nothing and nobody to ground them, they were possibly bullied, completely misguided and felt their lives were not worth saving and that they had nothing worth living for. But they stole the lives and futures of 13 others and injured more and left behind a horrendous legacy. 

On a concluding note, this incident just strongly highlights how important addressing mental health issues is. However, given the fact that both of them actually passed a diversion program they attended due to their first run in with the law with flying colors also highlights that mere platitudes and going through a drill doesn't help. The change has to come from within and a willingness to learn. Also, it cannot happen in isolation, social and family support is also equally important. They seemed to be yearning to be part of the same society they claimed to hold in disdain. What a waste of lives and what a terrible way to change the world.