Drumbeats and other sounds

It's that time of the year again, when memories begin to haunt. Some sweet ones, some agonizing ones - the beating of drums, the waiting in a hospital, the dancing on the streets, the silence of an ICU. It's that time of the year, the bitter and the sweet have been inexplicably interlinked forever. How does one free oneself from demons and even the angles. I miss the drum beats and the verve, but now it has a shadow, which seems to keep growing deeper and darker each passing year. Leaves falling off from a tree till only one remains. That's what it feels like, leaves wafting through the air, going amiss and never returning. Greater and deeper isolation, feeling of being abandoned by those who were supposed to be there. Those who betrayed and left you to your fate, those who were missing at the exact hour of need. 

A longing for a city of dreams and its wet evenings and sandy sunsets, a longing for carefree times, when one could trust people even though slightly. Time is cruel, it doesn't heal, it accentuates the hurt. There is a quiver that's full of arrows and a bow ready to shoot, which keeps getting replenished with new ammunition. Words come back to you when you need them the most, breaking barriers created by the mind. There are moments when one lives all the moments at once. It's that moment full of light and darkness - chaya ani prakash. Don't we need both for life to be livable - joy and sorrow. Is lack of sorrow the life that we want to live?

I wonder why people are so scared of the dark, why do people want to shine light on corners that lay hidden in recesses? Why this constant need to illuminate and spread "happiness", sadness is also a human emotion, why not make peace with it, own it and be okay with experiencing it. The cycle of grief and sorrow, the cycle of betrayal and abandonment. Accept pain, learn from it, make it a part of your being. 

 Remember can't build your happiness on someone else's pain.

Pain

I think most of the pain comes from how little someone valued you, that they were not willing to put in even an iota of effort. That their effort was conditional on your falling into line with what they wanted rather than trying to understand and that the moment they saw a better option they promptly let go. It's one thing drifting apart, it's another holding on only till another piece of driftwood comes along. Which just means that you were just driftwood and easily dispensable. It's a hard reality to face and also a hard one to come to terms with, how transactional people can be. How fake words can be and how meaningless. 

Money

So, the thing about money is that people have so many views on it. However, it is ultimately just an inanimate object, any feelings it invokes is ultimately a result of people's intentions. I have usually found two kinds of people when it comes to those who say they don't care about money - the ones who truly don't and the ones who have never had to. 

For those who truly don't these are the ones who are true free spirits, who don't hold those who care about it in disdain. Their life choices and lifestyle reflect this, and they are happy with just experiencing life, such people are very rare, but they do exist. 

The second category of people who have never had to, they probably don't understand the value of money, they don't seem to understand whether people want to earn money or have no value for it is all a personal choice, some of their views can sometimes be quite hilarious. Such people usually have never had to work to provide for their families, (or themselves), they also usually have expensive taste and want all the fine things in life like relaxing holidays, posh houses, expensive cars, clothes of the best quality. They don't value something that is so easily at their disposal, and they don't realize the hypocrisy of wanting to enjoy the fruits of all that money can buy, but never really wanting to work towards earning it. 

That's the thing about money, by itself it is nothing, it's up to us how we use and how much value we put on it. My personal view is that one cannot simply ignore the importance of money, the lack of it can impact all aspects of a person's life including morality, however at the same time it's true that money cannot buy you everything. Money is just a tool that facilities an easier life, it is not however a substitute for our ability to enjoy life. Providing for your family, giving your loved ones financial security is praiseworthy. However being so consumed by the greed for money that nothing else matters is not worth it. Somethings are worth all the money you lose trying to achieve it, like peace of mind. For me that's most important. I recognize that money isn't the be it end all. At the same time as a working woman and living in a highly patriarchal society, I also recognize the importance of financial independence, money gives us the ability to make our own choices and empowers us. Here again I have seen people who are so dependent on others, especially parents providing for them all their lives they just don't value the hard work and effort people put in to achieve this independence, just smacks of entitlement. They don't know the joy of being able to enable something for someone else.  

Just to wrap it all up, I don't think money is the most important thing in the world, there are many things far more priceless and invaluable. However to say "I don't care about money" is usually the refrain of the truly entitled and spoilt brats. 

Still I rise

One of my all time favorites

- Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Columbine

Have been going down another rabbit hole - of the Columbine High School shooting. It's been intriguing, since it happened around a time when I was also in school (1999), but I'm not sure if I followed the news on it then. Since this happened in the US maybe didn't impact us in India as much, I rather remember the incident where a student from The Army Public School (Dhaula Kuan) killed a junior in 98, I think. That impacted us since our school bus would pick up APS kids after picking us up and I felt terrified for some time. Also, I had studied in APS for a year and had cousins who went to the school. 

I'm sure I had heard of school shootings, and remember being shocked, and now reading up about it, it seems that this was sort of the turning point even though some shootings had happened in the past, but possibly not at this scale and not as shocking. So, when I started reading up about Columbine, I couldn't really remember how I felt when it happened. But it did bring on a sense of nostalgia, even though Indian schools were possibly drastically different from Americans, but some teenage themes are universal. School bullying, being part of cliques, downward spirals, relating to music and over-romanticizing things. Also, the era completely coincided with when we were growing up, and internet had just about come in. These kids were obviously a lot more privileged, but I did have friends who had computers at home and who would talk about "how the worst day on internet is better than the best day in school". 

It startled me that after going through all the videos, their journals etc I could feel some sympathy for the two shooters. It actually really made me very sad. All the senseless loss of life, along with their own. Some of the themes they seemed to talk about in their journals also reminded me of my frame of mind in those days, significantly a sense of alienation and isolation, feeling misunderstood, a low sense of self-esteem and feeling of worthlessness. It startled me at first, but as I read on, I realized I wasn't the only one, these are universal issues  that teenagers go through. It feels maddening that no one caught on to their state of mind and tried to guide them. Can't help but feel this was an incident that was totally avoidable. They did not on the surface of it seem to fit into the profile of a typical perpetrator. They were part of a group of friends, seemed to have loving families, seemed to not have any financial constraints, lived in a seemingly safe and crime free suburb with all facilities at their disposal. They also seemed to have a lot of potential and were part of an advanced learning class (or high potential class). But obviously both suffered from some major mental health issues, which seemed to have made them blind to the consequences of their actions. 

However, the rage that they had stored up as a response to their feelings just seemed disproportionate and makes one wonder if there is more to the story than people know (there are many conspiracy theories on what happened to them during an earlier run in with the law and on drugs one of them was on for mental health treatment, none can be confirmed so no point going there). Also based on accounts of other students, the school did seem to have an unhealthy environment, bullying was rampant, which included teachers ignoring incidents and favoring some students. Their parents also seemed to be blissfully unaware of issues their kids were facing, even though there were so many red flags. From what I've read the parents were devastated and completely caught unawares. I can imagine it must have been terrible for them, but its mind boggling how they couldn't know. The homicidal thoughts were extremely alarming, but the suicidal thoughts were sad, for them to think that they were worth nothing. What I also noticed was that other students in the school including some of the victims didn't seem to be shocked as if this was a ticking time bomb. That these kids spoke about blowing up and shooting in the school and almost no one took it seriously, except one teacher who highlighted it to the parents. 

Also, one wonders if they didn't have access to guns and weapons, would they just have outgrown this phase? School mass shootings seem to be very unique to America. Gun laws! 

What they did was so reprehensible that it's hard to see them as humans, but a lot of the available research out there, does make one feel some bit of pity for these kids as well. They were lost, had nothing and nobody to ground them, they were possibly bullied, completely misguided and felt their lives were not worth saving and that they had nothing worth living for. But they stole the lives and futures of 13 others and injured more and left behind a horrendous legacy. 

On a concluding note, this incident just strongly highlights how important addressing mental health issues is. However, given the fact that both of them actually passed a diversion program they attended due to their first run in with the law with flying colors also highlights that mere platitudes and going through a drill doesn't help. The change has to come from within and a willingness to learn. Also, it cannot happen in isolation, social and family support is also equally important. They seemed to be yearning to be part of the same society they claimed to hold in disdain. What a waste of lives and what a terrible way to change the world.