Remember can't build your happiness on someone else's pain.

Pain

I think most of the pain comes from how little someone valued you, that they were not willing to put in even an iota of effort. That their effort was conditional on your falling into line with what they wanted rather than trying to understand and that the moment they saw a better option they promptly let go. It's one thing drifting apart, it's another holding on only till another piece of driftwood comes along. Which just means that you were just driftwood and easily dispensable. It's a hard reality to face and also a hard one to come to terms with, how transactional people can be. How fake words can be and how meaningless. 

Money

So, the thing about money is that people have so many views on it. However, it is ultimately just an inanimate object, any feelings it invokes is ultimately a result of people's intentions. I have usually found two kinds of people when it comes to those who say they don't care about money - the ones who truly don't and the ones who have never had to. 

For those who truly don't these are the ones who are true free spirits, who don't hold those who care about it in disdain. Their life choices and lifestyle reflect this, and they are happy with just experiencing life, such people are very rare, but they do exist. 

The second category of people who have never had to, they probably don't understand the value of money, they don't seem to understand whether people want to earn money or have no value for it is all a personal choice, some of their views can sometimes be quite hilarious. Such people usually have never had to work to provide for their families, (or themselves), they also usually have expensive taste and want all the fine things in life like relaxing holidays, posh houses, expensive cars, clothes of the best quality. They don't value something that is so easily at their disposal, and they don't realize the hypocrisy of wanting to enjoy the fruits of all that money can buy, but never really wanting to work towards earning it. 

That's the thing about money, by itself it is nothing, it's up to us how we use and how much value we put on it. My personal view is that one cannot simply ignore the importance of money, the lack of it can impact all aspects of a person's life including morality, however at the same time it's true that money cannot buy you everything. Money is just a tool that facilities an easier life, it is not however a substitute for our ability to enjoy life. Providing for your family, giving your loved ones financial security is praiseworthy. However being so consumed by the greed for money that nothing else matters is not worth it. Somethings are worth all the money you lose trying to achieve it, like peace of mind. For me that's most important. I recognize that money isn't the be it end all. At the same time as a working woman and living in a highly patriarchal society, I also recognize the importance of financial independence, money gives us the ability to make our own choices and empowers us. Here again I have seen people who are so dependent on others, especially parents providing for them all their lives they just don't value the hard work and effort people put in to achieve this independence, just smacks of entitlement. They don't know the joy of being able to enable something for someone else.  

Just to wrap it all up, I don't think money is the most important thing in the world, there are many things far more priceless and invaluable. However to say "I don't care about money" is usually the refrain of the truly entitled and spoilt brats. 

Still I rise

One of my all time favorites

- Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

’Cause I walk like I've got oil wells

Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like hopes springing high,

Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops,

Weakened by my soulful cries?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Don't you take it awful hard

’Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines

Diggin’ in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I've got diamonds

At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise

Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise

I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,

Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,

I am the dream and the hope of the slave.

I rise

I rise

I rise.

Columbine

Have been going down another rabbit hole - of the Columbine High School shooting. It's been intriguing, since it happened around a time when I was also in school (1999), but I'm not sure if I followed the news on it then. Since this happened in the US maybe didn't impact us in India as much, I rather remember the incident where a student from The Army Public School (Dhaula Kuan) killed a junior in 98, I think. That impacted us since our school bus would pick up APS kids after picking us up and I felt terrified for some time. Also, I had studied in APS for a year and had cousins who went to the school. 

I'm sure I had heard of school shootings, and remember being shocked, and now reading up about it, it seems that this was sort of the turning point even though some shootings had happened in the past, but possibly not at this scale and not as shocking. So, when I started reading up about Columbine, I couldn't really remember how I felt when it happened. But it did bring on a sense of nostalgia, even though Indian schools were possibly drastically different from Americans, but some teenage themes are universal. School bullying, being part of cliques, downward spirals, relating to music and over-romanticizing things. Also, the era completely coincided with when we were growing up, and internet had just about come in. These kids were obviously a lot more privileged, but I did have friends who had computers at home and who would talk about "how the worst day on internet is better than the best day in school". 

It startled me that after going through all the videos, their journals etc I could feel some sympathy for the two shooters. It actually really made me very sad. All the senseless loss of life, along with their own. Some of the themes they seemed to talk about in their journals also reminded me of my frame of mind in those days, significantly a sense of alienation and isolation, feeling misunderstood, a low sense of self-esteem and feeling of worthlessness. It startled me at first, but as I read on, I realized I wasn't the only one, these are universal issues  that teenagers go through. It feels maddening that no one caught on to their state of mind and tried to guide them. Can't help but feel this was an incident that was totally avoidable. They did not on the surface of it seem to fit into the profile of a typical perpetrator. They were part of a group of friends, seemed to have loving families, seemed to not have any financial constraints, lived in a seemingly safe and crime free suburb with all facilities at their disposal. They also seemed to have a lot of potential and were part of an advanced learning class (or high potential class). But obviously both suffered from some major mental health issues, which seemed to have made them blind to the consequences of their actions. 

However, the rage that they had stored up as a response to their feelings just seemed disproportionate and makes one wonder if there is more to the story than people know (there are many conspiracy theories on what happened to them during an earlier run in with the law and on drugs one of them was on for mental health treatment, none can be confirmed so no point going there). Also based on accounts of other students, the school did seem to have an unhealthy environment, bullying was rampant, which included teachers ignoring incidents and favoring some students. Their parents also seemed to be blissfully unaware of issues their kids were facing, even though there were so many red flags. From what I've read the parents were devastated and completely caught unawares. I can imagine it must have been terrible for them, but its mind boggling how they couldn't know. The homicidal thoughts were extremely alarming, but the suicidal thoughts were sad, for them to think that they were worth nothing. What I also noticed was that other students in the school including some of the victims didn't seem to be shocked as if this was a ticking time bomb. That these kids spoke about blowing up and shooting in the school and almost no one took it seriously, except one teacher who highlighted it to the parents. 

Also, one wonders if they didn't have access to guns and weapons, would they just have outgrown this phase? School mass shootings seem to be very unique to America. Gun laws! 

What they did was so reprehensible that it's hard to see them as humans, but a lot of the available research out there, does make one feel some bit of pity for these kids as well. They were lost, had nothing and nobody to ground them, they were possibly bullied, completely misguided and felt their lives were not worth saving and that they had nothing worth living for. But they stole the lives and futures of 13 others and injured more and left behind a horrendous legacy. 

On a concluding note, this incident just strongly highlights how important addressing mental health issues is. However, given the fact that both of them actually passed a diversion program they attended due to their first run in with the law with flying colors also highlights that mere platitudes and going through a drill doesn't help. The change has to come from within and a willingness to learn. Also, it cannot happen in isolation, social and family support is also equally important. They seemed to be yearning to be part of the same society they claimed to hold in disdain. What a waste of lives and what a terrible way to change the world. 

Kabir Singh

So far never really felt like watching this movie, or it's original - Arjun Reddy. I'd heard a lot of debates on it and recently saw an interview with Ratna Pathak where she completely berated it. I wondered how bad can this movie be. We've grown up enjoying a lot of movies which glorify extremely questionable behavior on the hero's part. I remember some of these movies somehow made me angry, but in some cases I didn't even realize that there was something wrong till I grew up. DDLJ is a good example of this, especially since I loved Shahrukh Khan and thought Raj was the epitome of romance. Only later did I realize that some of his behavior bordered on perverted with his unwanted advances towards a girl on a solo trip. 

Anyway so I braced myself to watch this movie - Kabir Singh and I couldn't believe how terrible it was. It was unabashed masculine toxicity. Within minutes of the movie the guy was almost about to rape a girl at knife point, and this was somehow shown in humorous light (and while reading a review I read that the audience actually laughed at this scene). And this was just one of many such weird scenes right at the beginning of the movie. 

The relationship with the girl was another big problem. It was depicted as love at first sight, but significantly for the boy. The girl's feelings were completely irrelevant, she was more or less a piece of property that belonged to him and he marked as his possession right at the start declaring to a class of male students that they better steer clear of her, even though he didn't know her name nor what she wanted. He plants a completely uninvited peck on her cheek the first time he speaks to her and at some point plonks himself on her lap, as expected without checking with the girl if she's ok with it. To the girl's credit her facial do reflect the right level of alarm that anyone would feel at such intrusion of privacy. To make matters worse he decides who she should be friends with apparently "fat girls make good friends coz they are like teddy bears and are loyal. Pretty girls shouldn't be friends with thin girls." 

Post this I couldn't bear to watch the movie. But the thought that this movie minted money at the box office and has staunch defenders is very worrying. That anyone can find such behavior acceptable is very hard to digest. Possibly reflects the predominant patriarchal mindset in our society where women are merely seen as a possession and not as individuals with independent thoughts, desires and aspirations. 

There was this argument that the movie was only trying to show the character arc of a flawed person. But what I found problematic was the glorification and attempt to normalize such behavior. I've never liked Devdas as a character, but there at least I felt there was an attempt to depict a flawed and weak character. 

My personal opinion on the movie is that it's perhaps one of the worst piece of cinema ever made.  

Club 27 and more (or less)

 Moving this here from my other blog

I'm starting with the "and more (or less)" of my title

Was re-watching the Joker on Netflix sometime back which brought up a conversation on Joaquin Phoenix. I still remember the first I ever heard of him was as a kid. The article was not about him, but his brother River Phoenix. This was probably around the time he died from a drug overdose outside a night club at the age of 23. I remember reading about his death but what struck me the most was the fact that his 19 year old brother had to watch him die while he was desperately trying to call 911 to get assistance ( and his sister tried to resuscitate him- as I learnt later). The thought of that brother just stuck on. I couldn't imagine what he would have gone through and subsequently always viewed Joaquin through the filter of that incident, which perhaps he also did. 

Back in the days information wasn't so easy to access. You would come across an article, see some show on TV and then obsess over how to learn more. Newspapers, TV, libraries these were some of the main source of information, or other people. I didn't know too many people who knew too much about River Phoenix, so I let the death settle down in some corner of my mind, without trying to learn more. Some facts I had picked up were that he was a musician and acted in films, none of which I had seen. So when this conversation came up, I did what I wasn't able to do all those million years ago - I googled him. I spent some good time looking at his interviews and some shots on him and it recast both him and Joaquin in a different light (though only slightly). 

Theirs seemed to be a hippie family, a big one at that with River leading a merry band of children (as I heard someone say in one of the short clips I saw on him). Their parents were part of a cult called Children of God, which had some VERY questionable practices (also when it came to children). Luckily for them their parents realized the mess the cult was and got them out before it was too late. Subsequently they headed for life in show biz, performing at road sides to earn money. River did come across as the more charismatic sibling which probably helped him get cast in films (though painfully awkward and shy, which in some way seemed to add to the charisma). What I found most interesting though was an interview segment where he was asked about how his family is and he answered about how though they could all end up shouting at each other, they were always encouraged to speak up and discuss things. I think that's what is at the core of family ties - you can disagree, fight, shout at each other, but you all still have each others back, still love each other. Was watching another interview which had the whole family together more recently (minus River and their father) and you could see the bond between the three sisters, one brother and mother. I thought how River described his family summed up a "perfect" family for me. For all families have the skeletons in their cupboards, their fights, their idiosyncrasies but ultimately it's the ability to understand each other and discuss things that binds a family, however strange or dysfunctional it may appear to someone else. There is no formula for a perfect family. 

As I was looking for stuff on River Phoenix I also started reading up about the other sensational death of that time - Kurt Cobain (which leads me to the Club 27 section of the post :D. Apologies for the constant explanations but I thought of the title first and then started writing this out so it's zipping back and forth on themes). He has gained such cult status that I never really made an effort to read up about the details of what happened to him. I remember the notice board of our college literary society had his suicide note occupying place of pride. I had read it several times, but it made no sense to me - a man who had a wife and a very young daughter, why would he do this to his family? One of my batchmates was a big fan and wore a t-shirt with his face and if I'm not mistaken the suicide note written all over it. Somehow I didn't enjoy the thought of someone's dying words being glorified so much. They just made me feel sad about the loss of a precious young life, a loss of immense potential and most keenly the impact on the young mother with a very young child. 

So when I started reading up about Mr. Cobain, I was quite taken aback when I read about the conspiracy theories behind his death. I was stunned that his wife was suspected of having gotten him murdered. The circumstances leading up to his death were also murky - he was missing for days after having run away from a rehab facility before his dead body was found with a bullet shot and a suicide note in his own house, possibly 2 or 3 days after it happened. The person who accused his wife was the private detective she had hired to locate him and it was strange that they never thought to look for him in his own house. There was a big investigation and finally his death was ruled a suicide and Courtney Love given a clean chit, However the conspiracy theories persist. 

I couldn't help draw parallels with a more recent suicide which got our country's media houses crossing all limits of decency. Not unsurprisingly there too the girl friend was suspected of foul play, of having driven him to a mental break down, drugging him and what not. I wonder why a grown up man cannot be held accountable for his own behavior ?

However getting back to Cobain, it was immensely tragic. No one will ever know what he went through in those last few days of his life ( beyond his suicide note - which as it turns out is accused of being a forgery by Courtney), he had so much to live for. Even if his relationship with his wife was falling apart, he had a very young daughter who never got to know him . 

With River Phoenix while it was equally tragic, the fact that it was an accident casts his legacy in a different light. An early environment and animal rights activist, an older brother who was an inspiration to his siblings,  a young boy whose experiment with drugs on a night out went terribly wrong